Anniversary Fail

One of our Steel City Dads, Tim is at it again. Let’s take a peek at his latest fail…..

As I’ve said many times before, I love my lady. And with all my issues with commitment, which I’ve had over my lifetime, the fact I haven’t hauled tail yet speaks volumes. I just love her and want to spend the rest of my life driving her insane, doing all the stupid stuff I do. Watching her facepalm has been taken to the level of art.

For instance, much to my chagrin, I was at a birthday party for one of her family members recently, and I called the birthday guy the wrong name… the entire night. Never not once, did anyone pull me aside or correct me. I just had to figure things out on my own. And boy, lemme tell you what!

While driving home, we chatted about the days events, and my love starts throwing around WTFs like they’re on sale.
“You was calling him what? Oh my Lord, help me. Give me strength.” And… the facepalm. I sit there holding the steering wheel, ready to scream over the lack of input.  Now if I were to take my beloved to one of my family’s get-togethers, I would explain a great deal, and give as detailed as possible a run down of do’s and don’ts, if not to educate, then to refresh as these are not people seen every day. But… I’ve digressed enough.

Last year, I approached my sister , and asked her for moms engagement ring. Not because I wanted to be cheap, but because family means something to me. For me to give an heirloom to a woman, while asking for a lifetime commitment, is about the biggest deal I can think of, and I wanted it to be personal.

Jessie of course accepted, (Why? I dunno. Maybe she likes being punished) and then not too long after we bought our house together. I get the garage, and basement and she gets everything (not everything else. EVERY…THING) As of right now I can’t even get to my tool chest in the garage. The area I fight to keep clear is the dumping ground, entering the house.  SQUIRREL!  Yeah… I did it again. Focus Schwartzy.

Yesterday, Jessie comes from work perky and happy, and plays with the boys a little bit before I leave for work. A rare moment I truly see her smile. It lights up the room. I give her a quick peck and off I go begrudgingly. While driving to work, my phone dings reminding me of an important date. Thank Jesus for that as I’d forget my own social security number if not reminded often enough. I look at my phone and it tells me, on this day last year I asked Jessie to marry me.  Being as I’m forever being punished with earning a paycheck, I didn’t want to send an impersonal text, or phone call, but I should wait until I go home.

I get done with work at midnight, and search the 7 seas for a 24 hour Giant Eagle. Boom! Settlers Ridge. They got flowers, candy, chocolate, cards, her favorite pop… all kinds of stuff. So off I go and load up.
I sneak into a sleeping house and wake the dog. While he goes batshit, I fight to get past him to set the roses on the counter. Fill out an extra mushie anniversary card, and take that, the candy, and her favorite pop and place it all as neatly on her driver seat as can be. Then I get down on my hands and knees, and attempt to dig out a vase for the flowers, but instead get the worst tongue lashing of the decade from Chewie, our little mutt. People! Never try to speak when a dog wants to lick your face. The snuggle struggle is strong with that mutt, and his tongue tastes horrible. So as I do a ninja roll away from the dog, wack my head off the cabinets, and come to a rest with a trash can failing over me, I contemplate suicide.

I pick up the trash while Chewie rushes to eat, and lick everything he can. I then wash my hands and go for a second attempt of digging out a vase. At this point Chewie sits down with his back to me. “Overly sensitive mutt.” I cut the roses, and place them all ever so gently on her nightstand so the first thing she sees is the roses. And lay down beside her, waiting for her to wake up. While I lay there I reminisce about the past year. Sitting down with her dad, and getting so horrendously tongue tied, her mom ended up saying it, when I asked for his blessing. My moms ring being like 5 sizes too big. The bedroom being so chilly we huddled under the blankets, and snuggled to keep warm as the late winter snow fell.
SONOFABITCH!

At this point, Jessie jumped like someone shot a gun. The sound heard was me smacking my forehead. The dog jumped up and came by to stand on my chest and lick my face some more. Her alarm goes off, and she sits at the edge of the bed. I could only think of one thing to say and good morning wasn’t it.

“So I guess I’m going to get a D minus minus on this one.” She stares at me for a few seconds and then gets ready for work. The front door opens. The front door closes. The car starts, and I roll over. Happy year and a half anniversary babydoll.

“Missed it by… that much.”
Note to self: March 24th. Not August 10th.

– Tim

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